Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 
Crack 2.0

If you gaze down upon the bunks at the front of the store, the ones that contain all of our wallets, you will suddenly discover what it's like to look at a wicker basket at 10x magnification. It's a veritable basket-weaving of black on the men's side. On the women's side it resembles something a Kindergartener would make, having been given a pile of strips, each one a different colour, and wove a basket.

Either way, I'm not really of the mindset to deliver massive brain damage and physical trauma to the designer(s) who came up with this new way of presenting out wallets. I think this checkerboard pattern of having 3-4 wallets with their spines facing up, and then a stack of wallets with their sides facing up proves that the designer(s) have already suffered much brain damage and physical trauma in their childhoods.

I blame a lack of TV and violent video games.

Actually, I lay blame on the majority of district and store managers who were at a meeting this past week, and were shown the new design pattern for the wallets. And 90% of them liked it. Possibly even loved it. I am pleased to defend my store and district manager, since they both quietly agreed with each other that this idea was crack-induced crap.

Lori especially holds not-so-subtle displeasure towards it. If she could get away with dousing the wallets in kerosine, lighting them ablaze and claiming it was an accident, the store would have had a hell of a marshmallow roast this afternoon.

I for one cannot wrap my brain around this pattern that is not only visually and aesthetically offensive to me, but is a pain in the proverbial ass to maintain. Not to mention we can only display 3/4ths of the wallet styles we originally had out. I'm hoping someone comes to their senses and recants before I have to dust off the ol' Customer Appreciation Pancake Maker, and turn it into the Managerial Appreciation Pancake Maker.

On the plus, side, the checkerboard pattern now allows us in fits of boredom to play chess on the front bunks. At least there's a distinctive silver lining in this cloud.

Today's Lesson: shoe manufacturing companies do not actually use the best possible adhesive for glueing the soles to the rest of the shoe. Mainly because (apaprently) anywhere up to 90% of all people are rather allergic to the glue. So as a result, they use a less allergy-inducing but conversely not as effective glue. (The things you learn from some Scottish customers.)


posted by Phillip at 4:09 PM

 
Zombie, Eh?

Some debates were just meant to be carried on. Even after posting the last little bit of nowhere, Mel & I found ourselves debating the status of zombies in Canada. Mel still is adamant that zombies would never be able to get in Canada--or if they were, they wouldn't be staying for long. If Canadian Immigration makes it problematic enough for an American citizen to immigrate, she argues, it certainly has to be harder for someone without a pulse to do that.

To which I replied, "They'd probably claim refugee status."

Mel then indignantly remarked, "They'd probably get it too!"

This immediately conjured up the image of a Canadian Immigration officer, played by Eric Idle of Monty Python fame telling a zombie applicant, "No, I'm terribly sorry, but your immigration application has been rejected. You'll have to return to your native land of," he pauses to consult his file, "uh, hell."

To which the zombie will of course angrily mutter, "Uuuurgh!"

And Eric Idle would reply, "I don't care if there's no more room there! Feel free to walk the earth all you want, but you can't do it on Canadian soil anymore."

Today's Lesson: granted, this lesson should have been listed about 3 months ago, but even still it's quite relevant even today. When you're making a chocolate milkshake with one of those blenders, put the lid on before you hit the frappe button. On a completely unrelated lesson, projectile chocolate milkshake can soar high enough to hit the ceiling.


posted by Phillip at 6:01 AM

 
Dog Eat Dog 2: Zombies Not Eat Dog

Well, it's been an evening filled with pillaging a used CD store, hanging out with friends for coffee and then going to see the zombie-infested apocalypse Dawn of the Dead. I am happy to say that they at least had Tom Savini there for a cameo. Much rejoicing.

Overall, I'm rather impressed with the revamped version. Though ultimately the only real things it shares with Romero's original are: there are zombies; there is a mall; and there are people trapped in the mall who feel that if they let the zombies inside, the zombies would surely make a horrible mess as they shamelessly ravaged the clothing racks at American Eagle looking for good deals.

This has me considering what might happen if, let's say, zombies invaded Canada. What would happen if Canadian zombies roamed the streets? Now Mel argues that zombies simply would not come to Canada; Canadian immigration would not let them through. I think they would, since national border patrols admittedly leave something to be desired. They'd be around, eating some random hapless schmuck, but they wouldn't be allowed to legally work.

But I digress. Which, given the topic for today's little bit of nowhere, is a lot better than if I were digesting. I'm suddenly reminded of a Shel Silverstein poem about someone eating a baby...

Anyhoo, back to Canadian zombies. Those of you easily offended by such things as satirical stereotypes, or just the letter 'T', should probably go elsewhere. Might I recommend www.disney.com

If zombies were to manifest themselves in Canada, I don't think the Canadians moving around with an actual pulse would have much reason to worry about eating lunch. No, Canadian zombies wouldn't be attracted to human flesh. They'd be after a much more precious Canadian commodity: donuts.

Tim Hortons all over the country are laid under seige by hordes of donut-hungry zombies ready to mercilessly sink their teeth into a honey cruller or Boston Creme. Angered Canadian citizens are trapped on the roofs of Tim Hortons, trying to pick off as many zombies as they can, as the store employees fend off zombies from getting anywhere near the coffee makers.

Of course, Canadian zombies might also be pretty polite and decent, so they might wind up running the Tim Horton's they overrun. I can see it now: walking up to the counter, and on the other side is a decomposing zombie with an ungainly shuffle and a work uniform & badge telling me Hello My Name Was Tom.

Me: ^-^ "Hey there, Tom! I'll have a large coffee, double cream, one sugar."

Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh..."

Me: "Right then. So...see the hockey game last night?"

Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh...."

Me: "I, uh, noticed the new zombie forward on the Leafs ate the goalie for the Red Wings last night. What do you think about that?"

Hello I Was Tom: "Uuurgh!"

Me: "Yeah, I know they're coming down hard on the fighting and cheap shots these days. But did he really have to eat the ref that tried to throw him out?"

Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh."

Me: "I guess you're right; an eight game suspension is tough but fair. So, when you're done your shift, want to join me and the guys at the bar for some beer? Just promise me you won't be a glut and embarrass me by doing that drunk striptease on the table again."

Hello I Was Tom: "Urgh!"

Me: "I don't care if you don't remember a thing! I do! You know that your various...appendages can fly off easily. One thrust of that pelvis, and I had to reorder my glass of scotch!"

Hello I Was Tom: "Uuuuurgh..."

Me: "You damned right you're buying for me tonight. Say, nice toque you're wearing today."

Hello I Was Tom: ^-^ "Ruur!"

Me: ^-^ "You're welcome! Hey, wait a minute...I didn't order this Soilent Green donut."


Hey, it could happen. Or else they'd mug & eat some poor buggers portaging their canoe through downtown Toronto.

Today's Useless Fact: the movie caption tells us that when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. If Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett are right, then that means hell's maxed out on space for door-to-door salesmen.


posted by Phillip at 9:50 PM

 
Dog Eat Dog (Among Other Things)

You'll notice a reocurring theme in today's little bit of nowhere: there's not a vegan in sight. Today is entirely dedicated to carnivorous things. I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to make this an official National Carnivore Day, but it would be interesting to then see how fast other pseudo-holidays like National Vegetarian Day and National Cannibal Day get ushered onto the calendar.

Our first entry hails from, ironically of all places, FOX News. I don't ever really think I've seen a case of Continent Vs. Corporation before, but here it is. Actually, it's not an official continent per say, but it's the European Union, so there's a fair bit of Europe to be had. And the victim they wish to dine upon? Microsoft.

Check out the link: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,114881,00.html

Next up, we have a more reliable news source than FOX: Jon Stewart's Daily Show. In Monday' night's broadcast, Stewart announced that Mel Gibson's movie The Passion of the Christ was at last toppled from first place at the box office. It's replacement? Dawn of the Dead. (Or as some people call it, voting day.)

While this is a bit of a paraphrase, Stewarts commented, "You know, this does say a lot. While people like a good story about one man's resurrection, they also think that the more people coming back from the dead, the better!"

Jesus Christ and brain-eating zombies. While some might argue the latter aptly describes the Christian and/or Catholic church these days, I smell a sequel to Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter coming....

And for our final entry in Those Wacky Carnivores!, I give you a slight case of death from Germany, where a man was killed and subsequently eaten (well, mostly eaten) by his pets. No, the cuplrits weren't cats. Not dogs eithers. Think higher numbers and smaller bodies. Think of 3-digit numbers, and in some cases near-microscopic bodies.

Think black widow spider. And then think 200 other spiders. And also think of many snakes and reptiles. Oh, and don't forget the gecko lizard named Helmut. Though you may not want to think of the several thousand termites who helped pitch in too.

The news link's here: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004092008,00.html

This will make even the hardened individual shudder from a good case of the willies. I personally can't get that image from Creepshow 2 out of my head now, where we discover that in a battle of man vs. cockroach...the roaches made themselves one hell of a trophy house.

Today's Lesson: there will always two (for lack of a better term) "people groups" that it will always be politically correct to skewer, mock and mercilessly obliterate: Nazis and zombies.


posted by Phillip at 7:51 AM

 
The Couches Go Marching Two By Two, Hurrah

Just when I thought I was one step closer to solving the mystery behind the perpetual couch dumping, this had to happen. The garbage bin has been filling up quickly the last few days, with a large portion of space in the bin going to the dead couch. I have naturally been expecting another deceased couch to magically appear inside the bin when it gets emptied today or tomorrow.

And yet last night, as we took Shady through the underground parking lot for her walk, what should Mel & I see but another couch sitting by the entrance, obviously awaiting its chance to leap into the garbage bin when there was room. I am boggled that already another couch is prepared to become the latest sacrifice to a proverbial island volcano.

How is it possible that already the couches are lining up like this? Is the garbage bin being mistaken for the latest, trendiest furniture night club? Is our bin some secret couch burial ground I have been uniformed about?

At this rate, I fully expect everyone in the complex other than us to have replaced their couch before the end of spring. This in theory means that we should be seeing no more couches in the bin for at least another year or two. Then again, this is theory we're talking about.

In all likelihood, when the summer begins, we won't see anymore old couches in the garbage bin. From there on in, it'll all be dining tables and coffee tables. Every time the bin will get emptied, another dying table will take the place of its predecessor in...I don't know, maybe guarding some precious treasure hidden inside the bin?

It's all theory, folks. All theory.

Today's Lesson: even dogs can have bedhead. And they know when you're laughing at their bedhead state. And they are seriously not impressed by it.


posted by Phillip at 9:34 AM

 
And Now, The Latest Installment Of "Name That Crack"!

You really do have to wonder the name of the crack designers are on sometimes. I will admit that it does hold some allure, though only in the sense that you want to just see the looks on everyone else's faces when you proudly display your newest acquisition. Inside our store, there sits a 4-piece set of luggage. It looks like a Hawaiian tourist exploded all over it.

Picture this for a moment: an otherwise black suitcase covered with white Hawaiian floral prints. And I do mean covered: top, bottom, sides, front and back. From what I've heard from another store, this style also comes in purple.

This almost rivals the crack those wacky purse designers were on when they crafted such things as Cleavagepurse, or the purses that look like someone just skinned seven or eight white (or red, or blue, or toothpaste mint green) lace doilies and slapped some handstraps on them.

And yet, it's not necessarily these designers who scare me. It's the people who seem to be buying all such strange-looking items who do geniunely frighten me. I readily acknowledge I have very little of anything resembling a sense of fashion. And yet I understand that these things are glaring violations of most colours and patterns found in nature (or in the case of Cleavagepurse, ridiculous-looking mimics thereof). Yet other people think they are somehow appealing and/or trendy.

I'm still trying to come up with a proper name for the luggage, in the meantime. "Hawaiian Tourist Suitcase" is just too bulky a name, and sounds more like some ill-conceived DC superhero from the 1970's. Likewise "Exploded Tourist" doesn't quite seem to do the suitcase design justice, since there is actually no red on the suitcase. If anyone has a suggestion, feel free to Email and let me know.

Today's Lesson: there are many ways to debate and/or argue about a movie. This is not one of them:

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2004/03/18/387085-ap.html



posted by Phillip at 2:58 PM